The Anger Games.

My siblings at Church last month. 😇

In my family, anger is the one emotion we trust. If you are ashamed , lazy , tired, lonely, exhausted, selfish , self centered, jealous, and you’ve probably failed, then you display anger.

Anger makes the others unlikely to call you selfish. It pushes people away, they literally have to wait until you are laughing again to confront you on your self centeredness so if you can be angry for years and at all times, you might just avoid confrontation, remember, I said might.

Last year , while we were still excited about phones. Now we use them for reading at most.

Recently I was mad about a confrontation which reminded me that my family is one of Record Keepers. I suggested we change jobs at home and said I would cook food I have to and suddenly, every one was talking of how I hate cooking and avoid it, but we haven’t gotten into a cook food fight for like four years . So to be safe, my family keeps records.

Keeping records sort of means you could be conversing happily this afternoon and tomorrow morning, someone will give you the impression that they are clearly mad at you , I sometimes feel like reading facial expressions is a Curse. Point is , you never know why , but if agitated you tried to fix the relationship by trying to talk it out or being kind and doing whatever it takes to solve the issue, you are wasting valuable time. Because you are not perfect , you will make another mistake and the person will be reminded of the long record they are still keeping. But that person is imperfect too, and you forgive them and keep no record but that doesn’t mean they are not as selfish. They are probably self righteous and think themselves perfect ,moreso if they think they do most of the hard work. I spent most of my life before Christ thinking I was self righteous, even though I went to Church, a Roman Catholic One, I never really saw Christ for who He was.

So, why keep trying. Record keeping hurts not just because even while you try to be a better person, that other person still doesn’t trust you but also because your next mistake won’t be a new record, it will be an opener into an old record. It also hurts because record keeping makes it feel like everyday ought to be spent trying to please one , everyday ought to be spent trying to please God, not people. Record keeping goes hand in hard with Bitterness , so it’s not shocking that in my family, people tend to say they are just talking when according to their tone of voice , you feel like they are quarrelling, simple they are bitter and already angry before they talk. And they probably won’t forgive you even after that issue is dealt with.

I’m not asking that my family members trust me, I actually thought that was expected of siblings and I’m just learning that it’s not. They can trust that you will always fail them. I just think keeping a record is selfish, afterall you are obviously not keeping a record of the good things one does ,only a record of the bad, isn’t that unjust.

But then again record keeping feels like a protective measure , like you are ensuring that someone won’t hurt you the same way again because then worldly speaking it would feel like you are a fool . One time I kept a record on my dad so I avoided casually speaking to him so that he wouldn’t say something that would end up hurting me, I was trying to be cautious so that I’m not a fool. Then my sister who follows me started to avoid talking to me casually, she would ignore me while I told her stories about my school, when I asked her, she said she was teaching me a lesson, showing me how annoying it is to dad. I told her I only did it to dad so I wouldn’t get too casual and speak to him as to a friend and get hurt , she said my excuse wasn’t good enough, and I told her she actually didn’t deserve getting an excuse from me, some rights only God has, not people, I told her I didn’t care what she thought. But for the first time it really felt like vengeance is of the Lord Alone.

It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 1 Corinthians 13:5
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.1 Corinthians 13:7

So, love keeps no record of wrongs and love always trusts is actually not that easy at all . I wonder what other secrets loving people God’s way holds , also I don’t think I have learnt how to trust and keep no record of wrongs. Moreso now when I desperately want to keep a record on my sister, a record that says she’s keeping records , and also distrust her knowing that if I trust her to be kind, I might have to deal with unkindness everyday which will hurt as much everyday.

Family chaos.

Desiring God by John Piper.

My selfishness. It’s highly connected to shame. One time I was so tired, sad , angry, selfish , obviously blaming and not knowledgeable. This is what I did, I walked further ahead and left my siblings and mum , going with the flat shoes when I was supposed to be exchanging flats with heels with my sister along the way since heels make walking harder. That memory is connected to shame because later that evening, my mum lectured me on how mean that was. I already knew it was mean but her kindly talking about it made it feel more ashaming.

Family . As I have been learning, we look like the ideal family. But we don’t openly show love, at least not in our primary language which might be Words of Affirmation. Therefore, food, clothing, the best education, shelter etc etc is provided despite the hardship involved. Yet , when it comes to saying I love you, or you look so nice on that dress, or I’m so glad you helped me do the work, or it’s so nice that you finished on time , we usually don’t do that here at all. My dad comes from a broken family, four wives, chaos , no money for school , almost never present family members, this looks like an upgrade, the fact that he pays out fees and comes home in the night and tells tv and food jokes feels like an upgrade. Yet still, people crave for kind words. For alittle heads up or politely saying can I use some of that water instead of the usual rudeness that looks like some one is saying I’m entitled. I wish my mum knew I have so much to do and she didn’t call me useless because she does more work than me . I wish my sister Bridget would kindly say , please go to the shops instead of being so furious and angry before a good conversation with me and not trusting me at all, I wish she would kindly say, Emilly you forgot to wash these plates instead of just putting them on the verandah with an attitude that says How dare You or I don’t believe I’m having to do this for you or how lazy can you possibly be and shouting rudely when mum asks about it like somehow everyday I should be trying to please her. I wish Berna didn’t get mad when I told her to remove utensils or give the impression that she wasn’t going to do it, I would be so glad if she kindly said, give me a minute, I’m on it. I wish Elijah didn’t talk as if he was the man of the house, as if I had to obey him , as if giving orders was okay, he’s afterall still the youngest. And I wish my dad didn’t make it feel like my opinions about faith are dumb and immature or like all I do is disrespect authority.

But then again, I don’t claim that relating well would solve all of our problems, I’m just reflecting, not actually trying to solve. There’s more to family issues than just how we relate with each other after all. For instance, I can’t get rid of the fear that the joy in the beloved might mean me being a slave to my siblings all my life, trying to please people I can’t please. Afterall , isn’t it true that one’s Joy depends on them, not on You ?

How great Thou Art.

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For nature lovers and all. This song is forever amazing. And thank God for the last stanza. One time while continuing with the song translation, someone accidentally said Thy was my . Clearly , Thou , Thy , Thee are translated , You , Your , You. So how great thou art can be How great You are and The works thy hand hath made can be the works your hand has made and God to thee can be God To You. But it always feels more enchanting when the thee ,thou and thy are left that way.

In Choir one time,my Liturgy teacher ( By then I was still Roman Catholic) , agreed that the song had gotten boring and a few changes were made,it was sung Faster and alittle bit of the beat and flow slightly changed too, I’m not much of a music person , but I still prefer the slow version, it’s the most enchanting, descriptive and it helps us Meditate on How Nature Shows the Greatness of God.

Rock of Ages.

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Rock of Ages , Cleft for me, let me hide myself in thee. Let the water and the blood, from thy wounded side which flowed, be of sin the double cure .Thou must save and though Alone. ( A hymn to remember.)

From the ends of the earth I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I. Psalms 61:2

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The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold. Psalms 18:2

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He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. Psalms 40:2

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Why blood.

From Twitter.

In years past, it would have been easy to explain why it had to be a blood sacrifice , why death on the Cross for atonement.

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But in this era, people are not keeping slaves , carrying whips and wishing babies would be crashed. It’s not that we are better , we are equally murderers and murders entertain us on our televisions. We keep guns , bombs and pangas and serial murders are all around us. But we are a generation of the Educated , the Self Righteous.

They plan on saying, he was crucified and laid behind the stone is disgusting and the Act Cannot Save them. But they should be afraid, because they will die because of it. There’s no other Name that can save.

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But for people who think they have all things together, salvation is far from their seeking. My question is why the Blood, why is it Blood that saves, Why sacrifice. In a way , it’s not just Sacrifice, it’s atonement. And the wages of Sin is Death So He had to go All the Way To Atone. This was the Son of God On That Cross.

The cross stands across all time ( Pinterest)

Gloriana said it would be immoral to believe that her sins can be forgiven by the torture and death of Another. One person once said the One Thing You can’t Do at the Cross is Pity. Out there is the Son of God who can destroy all his torturers in a split Second afterall. I wonder though, does Gloriana know that that Torture and Death is what she Deserves . The Maker of the Universe is no dictator, He has Given Us Free Will, But he is A Judge. So, does she Know He is getting what She ought to be getting because for me, that would put things in Perspective.

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The mystery of blood is Unfathomable. It’s beyond our Wisdom. But for now, we do know that God said Life is in the Blood. And the Wages of Sin is Death. It had to be blood because that’s the Punishment we deserve and whoseover atones, carries on our entire Punishment.

Jealous Love.

I can’t stop listening to the song Tremble by Lauren Daigle. I mean it’s the first time I have considered the fact that God holds Jealous love for us

They angered him with their high places; they aroused his jealousy with their idols. Psalms 78:58

Do not worship any other god, for the LORD, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God. Exodus 34:14

Jeshurun grew fat and kicked; filled with food, they became heavy and sleek. They abandoned the God who made them and rejected the Rock their Savior.
They made him jealous with their foreign gods and angered him with their detestable idols.
They sacrificed to false gods, which are not God — gods they had not known, gods that recently appeared, gods your ancestors did not fear. Deuteronomy 32: 15 -17.

The Creator God still set his eyes on me , I awake a Jealous love. It’s just so enchanting.

I will tremble at no other name
My heart's surrendered to no other reign
I will bow at no other throne
And rest my heart at no other home
Let these hands lift no other crown
Let these knees fall on no other ground
Draw these eyes from the gold that won't shine
You turn this life from water to wine
And I tremble
I tremble, Lord
In your presence
oh yeah
You take my breath with every starry night
Show Your power in downtown city light
You are taller than the highest of the hills
And stronger than the walls we try to build
You blind me with the beauty of Your face
And draw me close with Your divine embrace
Speak to me with healing in Your words
And fix the things I didn't know were hurt
Lord, I tremble
In Your presence

My Lord, my Lord, my Lord, my Lord
To you alone, to You alone we praise
Oh, who could take the place of?
What compares to Your love?
For everything that You've done
To You alone be praise, yeah
Oh, who could take the place of?
What compares to Your love?
For everything that You've done
To You alone we praise
You invented all of time and space
Called the morning and midnight into place
Made the mountains and tamed the wildest seas
And still You set Your holy eyes on me
I will always live in wonder of
The fact that I awaken jealous love
Eternity will almost be enough
Eternity will almost be enough
Lord, I tremble (tremble)
I tremble, Lord
live in wonder of
The fact that I awaken jealous love
Eternity will almost be enough
Eternity will almost be enough
Lord, I tremble
I tremble, Lord
In your presence
In your presence, oh
Lord, I tremble
I tremble, Lord
In Your presence
In Your presence, oh
In Your presence
In Your presence
In Your presence
In Your presence
Ooh-oh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh
In Your presence
In Your presence
In Your presence
In Your presence
Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh, yeah
In Your presence
I'm glad that You're my present
In Your presence
Oh, I know I will live, yeah
In Your presence
Oh, in Your presence
In Your presence
Ooh-oh-oh-oh-oh
In Your presence
Oh, I will always live in wonder of
In Your presence
Just like that I awaken jealous love
In Your presence
Eternity will almost be enough
In Your presence
Eternity will almost be enough
In Your presence
Oh, I will always live in wonder of
In Your presence
Just like that I awaken jealous love
In Your presence
Eternity will almost be enough
In Your presence. By Lauren Daigle
Just figured you are loved is so connected to You awake a Jealous love.

The compound.

The grave sight.

For me, it’s an irony, the compound of a man who had four wives and approximately eighteen children is empty.

Well, with that many wives, you are not really faithfully trying at all odds to love that one woman, so how many of his wives actually miss him. Carrie Underwood’s black cardillacs does make sense.

Did he really spend time with any one of his children actually, what was the use of having them. No wonder none lives in his compound. Why create differences in the place where love for others begins.

But they all have reminders of him, besides land as inheritance. My dad has a strong metallic Trunk, an old wooden case with old x-ray photos and his walking stick. But what else is left ?

I love my grandpa, but I think his family choices are questionable !

Family is an institution we walk into with greater grace.

Also, rumour says China has a two kids policy, now I can’t stop wondering how one man had over eighteen children and we are not as populated as they are .

I’m content.

He thinks it’s all about the money, With millions,a huge house, fancy cars, a trophy wife , a great job, all will be well.

And she told me it’s all about relationship, with a wealthy loving man, fancy gifts and being desired, topped off with everyone’s admiration, She can fully nurture and serve , and She will have it all.

Others say with straight A’s and first class degrees , no one will be disappointed with you and at last you own the World, you are Educated and all is always well.

For seekers of fame and power, A million people they believe are paying attention to them is all they do desire for their full life. Sometimes that’s what all desire, for people to look on them with envy and admiration, but Where do you put Yourself ?

But besides ignorant admiration, no one comes out to say the dream of Ultimate Happiness is Achievable that way.

But I’m putting my Faith in the Lord of the Universe, the One who gives all living things breath and Sustains the Universe. In his presence, I know I have it all.

So why do they believe I’m more pathetic and unbelievable?