In my family, anger is the one emotion we trust. If you are ashamed , lazy , tired, lonely, exhausted, selfish , self centered, jealous, and you’ve probably failed, then you display anger.
Anger makes the others unlikely to call you selfish. It pushes people away, they literally have to wait until you are laughing again to confront you on your self centeredness so if you can be angry for years and at all times, you might just avoid confrontation, remember, I said might.
Recently I was mad about a confrontation which reminded me that my family is one of Record Keepers. I suggested we change jobs at home and said I would cook food I have to and suddenly, every one was talking of how I hate cooking and avoid it, but we haven’t gotten into a cook food fight for like four years . So to be safe, my family keeps records.
Keeping records sort of means you could be conversing happily this afternoon and tomorrow morning, someone will give you the impression that they are clearly mad at you , I sometimes feel like reading facial expressions is a Curse. Point is , you never know why , but if agitated you tried to fix the relationship by trying to talk it out or being kind and doing whatever it takes to solve the issue, you are wasting valuable time. Because you are not perfect , you will make another mistake and the person will be reminded of the long record they are still keeping. But that person is imperfect too, and you forgive them and keep no record but that doesn’t mean they are not as selfish. They are probably self righteous and think themselves perfect ,moreso if they think they do most of the hard work. I spent most of my life before Christ thinking I was self righteous, even though I went to Church, a Roman Catholic One, I never really saw Christ for who He was.
So, why keep trying. Record keeping hurts not just because even while you try to be a better person, that other person still doesn’t trust you but also because your next mistake won’t be a new record, it will be an opener into an old record. It also hurts because record keeping makes it feel like everyday ought to be spent trying to please one , everyday ought to be spent trying to please God, not people. Record keeping goes hand in hard with Bitterness , so it’s not shocking that in my family, people tend to say they are just talking when according to their tone of voice , you feel like they are quarrelling, simple they are bitter and already angry before they talk. And they probably won’t forgive you even after that issue is dealt with.
I’m not asking that my family members trust me, I actually thought that was expected of siblings and I’m just learning that it’s not. They can trust that you will always fail them. I just think keeping a record is selfish, afterall you are obviously not keeping a record of the good things one does ,only a record of the bad, isn’t that unjust.
But then again record keeping feels like a protective measure , like you are ensuring that someone won’t hurt you the same way again because then worldly speaking it would feel like you are a fool . One time I kept a record on my dad so I avoided casually speaking to him so that he wouldn’t say something that would end up hurting me, I was trying to be cautious so that I’m not a fool. Then my sister who follows me started to avoid talking to me casually, she would ignore me while I told her stories about my school, when I asked her, she said she was teaching me a lesson, showing me how annoying it is to dad. I told her I only did it to dad so I wouldn’t get too casual and speak to him as to a friend and get hurt , she said my excuse wasn’t good enough, and I told her she actually didn’t deserve getting an excuse from me, some rights only God has, not people, I told her I didn’t care what she thought. But for the first time it really felt like vengeance is of the Lord Alone.
It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 1 Corinthians 13:5
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.1 Corinthians 13:7
So, love keeps no record of wrongs and love always trusts is actually not that easy at all . I wonder what other secrets loving people God’s way holds , also I don’t think I have learnt how to trust and keep no record of wrongs. Moreso now when I desperately want to keep a record on my sister, a record that says she’s keeping records , and also distrust her knowing that if I trust her to be kind, I might have to deal with unkindness everyday which will hurt as much everyday.