Family chaos.

Desiring God by John Piper.

My selfishness. It’s highly connected to shame. One time I was so tired, sad , angry, selfish , obviously blaming and not knowledgeable. This is what I did, I walked further ahead and left my siblings and mum , going with the flat shoes when I was supposed to be exchanging flats with heels with my sister along the way since heels make walking harder. That memory is connected to shame because later that evening, my mum lectured me on how mean that was. I already knew it was mean but her kindly talking about it made it feel more ashaming.

Family . As I have been learning, we look like the ideal family. But we don’t openly show love, at least not in our primary language which might be Words of Affirmation. Therefore, food, clothing, the best education, shelter etc etc is provided despite the hardship involved. Yet , when it comes to saying I love you, or you look so nice on that dress, or I’m so glad you helped me do the work, or it’s so nice that you finished on time , we usually don’t do that here at all. My dad comes from a broken family, four wives, chaos , no money for school , almost never present family members, this looks like an upgrade, the fact that he pays out fees and comes home in the night and tells tv and food jokes feels like an upgrade. Yet still, people crave for kind words. For alittle heads up or politely saying can I use some of that water instead of the usual rudeness that looks like some one is saying I’m entitled. I wish my mum knew I have so much to do and she didn’t call me useless because she does more work than me . I wish my sister Bridget would kindly say , please go to the shops instead of being so furious and angry before a good conversation with me and not trusting me at all, I wish she would kindly say, Emilly you forgot to wash these plates instead of just putting them on the verandah with an attitude that says How dare You or I don’t believe I’m having to do this for you or how lazy can you possibly be and shouting rudely when mum asks about it like somehow everyday I should be trying to please her. I wish Berna didn’t get mad when I told her to remove utensils or give the impression that she wasn’t going to do it, I would be so glad if she kindly said, give me a minute, I’m on it. I wish Elijah didn’t talk as if he was the man of the house, as if I had to obey him , as if giving orders was okay, he’s afterall still the youngest. And I wish my dad didn’t make it feel like my opinions about faith are dumb and immature or like all I do is disrespect authority.

But then again, I don’t claim that relating well would solve all of our problems, I’m just reflecting, not actually trying to solve. There’s more to family issues than just how we relate with each other after all. For instance, I can’t get rid of the fear that the joy in the beloved might mean me being a slave to my siblings all my life, trying to please people I can’t please. Afterall , isn’t it true that one’s Joy depends on them, not on You ?

How great Thou Art.

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For nature lovers and all. This song is forever amazing. And thank God for the last stanza. One time while continuing with the song translation, someone accidentally said Thy was my . Clearly , Thou , Thy , Thee are translated , You , Your , You. So how great thou art can be How great You are and The works thy hand hath made can be the works your hand has made and God to thee can be God To You. But it always feels more enchanting when the thee ,thou and thy are left that way.

In Choir one time,my Liturgy teacher ( By then I was still Roman Catholic) , agreed that the song had gotten boring and a few changes were made,it was sung Faster and alittle bit of the beat and flow slightly changed too, I’m not much of a music person , but I still prefer the slow version, it’s the most enchanting, descriptive and it helps us Meditate on How Nature Shows the Greatness of God.

Rock of Ages.

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Rock of Ages , Cleft for me, let me hide myself in thee. Let the water and the blood, from thy wounded side which flowed, be of sin the double cure .Thou must save and though Alone. ( A hymn to remember.)

From the ends of the earth I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I. Psalms 61:2

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The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold. Psalms 18:2

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He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. Psalms 40:2

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Why blood.

From Twitter.

In years past, it would have been easy to explain why it had to be a blood sacrifice , why death on the Cross for atonement.

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But in this era, people are not keeping slaves , carrying whips and wishing babies would be crashed. It’s not that we are better , we are equally murderers and murders entertain us on our televisions. We keep guns , bombs and pangas and serial murders are all around us. But we are a generation of the Educated , the Self Righteous.

They plan on saying, he was crucified and laid behind the stone is disgusting and the Act Cannot Save them. But they should be afraid, because they will die because of it. There’s no other Name that can save.

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But for people who think they have all things together, salvation is far from their seeking. My question is why the Blood, why is it Blood that saves, Why sacrifice. In a way , it’s not just Sacrifice, it’s atonement. And the wages of Sin is Death So He had to go All the Way To Atone. This was the Son of God On That Cross.

The cross stands across all time ( Pinterest)

Gloriana said it would be immoral to believe that her sins can be forgiven by the torture and death of Another. One person once said the One Thing You can’t Do at the Cross is Pity. Out there is the Son of God who can destroy all his torturers in a split Second afterall. I wonder though, does Gloriana know that that Torture and Death is what she Deserves . The Maker of the Universe is no dictator, He has Given Us Free Will, But he is A Judge. So, does she Know He is getting what She ought to be getting because for me, that would put things in Perspective.

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The mystery of blood is Unfathomable. It’s beyond our Wisdom. But for now, we do know that God said Life is in the Blood. And the Wages of Sin is Death. It had to be blood because that’s the Punishment we deserve and whoseover atones, carries on our entire Punishment.

Jealous Love.

I can’t stop listening to the song Tremble by Lauren Daigle. I mean it’s the first time I have considered the fact that God holds Jealous love for us

They angered him with their high places; they aroused his jealousy with their idols. Psalms 78:58

Do not worship any other god, for the LORD, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God. Exodus 34:14

Jeshurun grew fat and kicked; filled with food, they became heavy and sleek. They abandoned the God who made them and rejected the Rock their Savior.
They made him jealous with their foreign gods and angered him with their detestable idols.
They sacrificed to false gods, which are not God — gods they had not known, gods that recently appeared, gods your ancestors did not fear. Deuteronomy 32: 15 -17.

The Creator God still set his eyes on me , I awake a Jealous love. It’s just so enchanting.

I will tremble at no other name
My heart's surrendered to no other reign
I will bow at no other throne
And rest my heart at no other home
Let these hands lift no other crown
Let these knees fall on no other ground
Draw these eyes from the gold that won't shine
You turn this life from water to wine
And I tremble
I tremble, Lord
In your presence
oh yeah
You take my breath with every starry night
Show Your power in downtown city light
You are taller than the highest of the hills
And stronger than the walls we try to build
You blind me with the beauty of Your face
And draw me close with Your divine embrace
Speak to me with healing in Your words
And fix the things I didn't know were hurt
Lord, I tremble
In Your presence

My Lord, my Lord, my Lord, my Lord
To you alone, to You alone we praise
Oh, who could take the place of?
What compares to Your love?
For everything that You've done
To You alone be praise, yeah
Oh, who could take the place of?
What compares to Your love?
For everything that You've done
To You alone we praise
You invented all of time and space
Called the morning and midnight into place
Made the mountains and tamed the wildest seas
And still You set Your holy eyes on me
I will always live in wonder of
The fact that I awaken jealous love
Eternity will almost be enough
Eternity will almost be enough
Lord, I tremble (tremble)
I tremble, Lord
live in wonder of
The fact that I awaken jealous love
Eternity will almost be enough
Eternity will almost be enough
Lord, I tremble
I tremble, Lord
In your presence
In your presence, oh
Lord, I tremble
I tremble, Lord
In Your presence
In Your presence, oh
In Your presence
In Your presence
In Your presence
In Your presence
Ooh-oh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh
In Your presence
In Your presence
In Your presence
In Your presence
Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh, yeah
In Your presence
I'm glad that You're my present
In Your presence
Oh, I know I will live, yeah
In Your presence
Oh, in Your presence
In Your presence
Ooh-oh-oh-oh-oh
In Your presence
Oh, I will always live in wonder of
In Your presence
Just like that I awaken jealous love
In Your presence
Eternity will almost be enough
In Your presence
Eternity will almost be enough
In Your presence
Oh, I will always live in wonder of
In Your presence
Just like that I awaken jealous love
In Your presence
Eternity will almost be enough
In Your presence. By Lauren Daigle
Just figured you are loved is so connected to You awake a Jealous love.

The compound.

The grave sight.

For me, it’s an irony, the compound of a man who had four wives and approximately eighteen children is empty.

Well, with that many wives, you are not really faithfully trying at all odds to love that one woman, so how many of his wives actually miss him. Carrie Underwood’s black cardillacs does make sense.

Did he really spend time with any one of his children actually, what was the use of having them. No wonder none lives in his compound. Why create differences in the place where love for others begins.

But they all have reminders of him, besides land as inheritance. My dad has a strong metallic Trunk, an old wooden case with old x-ray photos and his walking stick. But what else is left ?

I love my grandpa, but I think his family choices are questionable !

Family is an institution we walk into with greater grace.

Also, rumour says China has a two kids policy, now I can’t stop wondering how one man had over eighteen children and we are not as populated as they are .

I’m content.

He thinks it’s all about the money, With millions,a huge house, fancy cars, a trophy wife , a great job, all will be well.

And she told me it’s all about relationship, with a wealthy loving man, fancy gifts and being desired, topped off with everyone’s admiration, She can fully nurture and serve , and She will have it all.

Others say with straight A’s and first class degrees , no one will be disappointed with you and at last you own the World, you are Educated and all is always well.

For seekers of fame and power, A million people they believe are paying attention to them is all they do desire for their full life. Sometimes that’s what all desire, for people to look on them with envy and admiration, but Where do you put Yourself ?

But besides ignorant admiration, no one comes out to say the dream of Ultimate Happiness is Achievable that way.

But I’m putting my Faith in the Lord of the Universe, the One who gives all living things breath and Sustains the Universe. In his presence, I know I have it all.

So why do they believe I’m more pathetic and unbelievable?

My grandpa’s place.

I wanted to call this post my other village but a friend sadly reminded me of how much people fear and hate, actually dread the word village. All these are pictures I took while there.

My uncle’s place.
My grandma’s other house,she rarely visits it nor even goes there. But it’s beautiful that she would want to keep that compound alive in a way.

I went to the NIRA offices to get an ID but they told me to return on Thursday. So I took the time to visit the village with my cousin sister, Response. And yes, her name is indeed Response.

I hadn’t gone there in years, most of the buildings that were actually there yrs ago have been removed and in their place, new houses are being built, I think no one lives in my grandpa’s compound anymore. I got to take a look at my grandpa’s grave, he lived in 1941 – 2011. I remember the day of his burial because I had to come from school, I was in primary five and probably just 10 or 9 yrs old then, my siblings actually don’t remember that much about my grandpa but I remember the mangoes he used to get for us. I also found out he wasn’t exactly called Valentine, the name was made more villagish , Mweru Valantino.

Today I also discovered he had Four wives and alot of land. My grandma, okay let’s say my Father’s mom was his first wife. I know this is Africa and our normal definition of four wives is a nice compound with four wives who all respond to you. But though my grandma wasn’t divorced, I don’t even know if they were wedded in Church, all I know is she didn’t stay with him until the day he died, leaving is actually a common trait, though legal action wasn’t taken,they live apart , she left and lived elsewhere on her own. That compound with four wives working together or haunting each other never ever happened.

Having four wives and around seventeen kids means a very huge family, and it’s no wonder I have never even heard of some of my real close family members. And it also explains the constant fear of being poisoned, bewitched or murdered among family members when I was a little girl. I mean with step mothers, alot could happen, practically even as children, you never really get access to your father at all. But I don’t know much about all that.

I confirmed from my grandma that my dad and my Uncle Anthony are twin brothers though they don’t look alike. And that my Uncle Matthias is actually not my dad’s brother but Cousin brother. And obviously I took alot of photos.

On my way back home I visited a local library for the first time, I visited my grandma for the first time this holiday. And we talked about her friend who has just died recently, Veria , I looked at old photos and discovered besides being teachers, those two ladies also acted in dramas and plays alot. Mrs Veria was a constant church goer, the Roman Catholic church, she was one of the pioneers of the women’s guild in my village, she was my childhood friend Joy’s grandma and my young brother’s nursery teacher. We went to her place to get mangoes and play on the instruments there alot of times. But I had taken like seven yrs without visiting her and now she’s gone. I discovered my cousin brother Simon got 20 aggregates in P.7, for a boy in the village, that’s good , hope he joins high school soon. My grandma also told me that Mrs. Veria was a very lonely old lady and none of us actually took time to visit her, and that she never left her house except when going to Church, and that a snake had once bitten her and she was so afraid of so much, she said we ought to visit old people more often, they too get lonely. Also I found out why everyone kept saying my grandma is sick, she told me she was diagnosed with Pressure in 2009 and has been on medication since .

the creepy tree with alot of caterpillars

I promised my grandma that we would go back on Sunday to clean her glass windows. Hopefully my siblings will join in. I also took milk at her place and a soda and chapatti in the village, so I think it was quite an adventurous day.

The gravesite. (The first grave is for my grandpa).